I want to jump off a very high ledge....

For the LOVE of god. so, I had an appt with my OB today. I have another cyst on my right ovary, but my left side hurts something fierce. so, I go back in 2 weeks and I have to make appts at 2 infertility clinics between now and then. Dr wants to see who will take an more "advanced" approach. So, let the mileage begin. Its so easy for the dr to say to go out of town, he doesn't live off my salary, but if anything helps, I guess its worth a try. the metformin side affects aren't as bad as they were before, thank god for that. I go to my family dr Friday and I'm sure my dosage will be raised. CANT FREAKING WAIT....

is it Friday yet???? at 5:30...

started a new med

Metformin.....YIKES....boy oh boy people weren't joking about being in the bathroom. I actually lost another pound. No wonder.

This should help me with multiple things, loosing more weight, regulate my period and regulate my sugar. the downfall is no drinking. the way I look at it, is of I was pregnant I wouldn't be drinking anyways. Let see how I do over the weekend. I go back to the dr in 6 weeks, my family dr that is. I still havent been back to my infertility specialist since December.

I got the letter from the insuance company, so lets see if we can get that grant!

after 5 months

Of fighting with the insurance company, still no answer. My human Resources dept had a conference call with them and everything and still NOTHING. I am even more frustrated than ever.
Work has been hell today and I was about an inch away from having a breakdown. Between work, fighting with the insurance company and trying to have a kid, I'm surprised I'm not in a padded room at a physc ward. I am exhausted and its from all the stress. I hate stress, and if one more person tells me to relax, I'm going to knock them the fuck out. I deal with things the best I know how and its not the easiest way sometimes. All I want to do is go home, eat dinner and go to bed.

I fell and nobody helped me up...

Can you believe it...I fell and nobody helped me, I just sat there stunned. I don't know what happened to me, just plain old fell and hurt my knee.

I am so sick and tired of having bad days, I seriously feel like I am going to explode. I need to have a major breakdown, just at a right time, not at work! I can feel the pressure building in my body.

I need a break from the world and a vacation.....and a drink!

I FEEL LIKE SHIT....

So, it took 52 days for me to get my period and let me tell you, I WISH I HAD NEVER GOTTEN it. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. Compared to last time I had it, I"m not flooding, but I have cramps so bad that wont go away and my stomach hurts.....Times like this is when I ask myself, is it worth the pain and suffering to keep trying to have a baby....YES, as long as it pays off.

So, the insurance company is a piece of shit....I like the word shit tonight. I have been waiting since late February for a letter from them, its now May 29th and still no letter. The Dr's office is trying to get us grant money to do another in-vitro but cant do anything until we get the damn letter from the insurance company....

On another note, SEX AND THE CITY the movie opens tomorrow and a bunch of us gals are going, I hope I feel better...Thank god tomorrow is Friday! This week flew by! Another busy week at work!

Good night, I'm tired and my ovaries hurt!

so sad...

Today is just one of those days, GOD GET ME PREGNANT. So, I have been fighting with the insurance company for months, literally about 5 months. I was extremely lucky to have insurance cover my first 2 IVF's and it should cover a third, but they are saying I maxed out my benefits. WHATEVER, every time I call or the Dr office calls, we get a different story. I am so just frustrated and sad that I have been so patient and to think I may never be able to do another treatment. We would never be able to afford it on our own. Today is day number 47 of my cycle and my period is nowhere in sight and I just want to crawl in a ball and cry and hide from the world. I am so thankful its a long weekend. I keep all this bottled up inside me because none of my friends understand the mental pain I deal with day after day. But its not everyday I am sad, it comes and goes in spurts. I do not go one day thinking about having a child. Will this ever go away?? Most likely not... Its coming up on a year since my last Laperoscopy and that's when all the craziness started, I wish I could go back and maybe do things a little different.

So I am sad today and want it to end.... Have a nice day!!!

watching American Idool

I am posting and watching AI. So, one of my last posts was when I had Aunt Flow something fierce. I have not had Aunt Flow since. WEIRD I know, and I keep getting BFN's, However, they had me on some medication that stopped my ovaries and I believe I ovulated last week, so lets keep our fingers crossed!!!

Nothing really new, just looking forward to the weekend and the weather is suppose to be GREAT!!!!

So Lets ROCK David Cook!!!! I hope someone is reading this, but its is a good way for me to get my thoughts out.

Have a nice night! ((((Hugs))))

Yucky past week

So, I was on bed rest for 5 day and let me tell you, it was not fun. I have never watched so much TV in my life. but I'm back to normal, (well as normal as I can get). Female issues are not fun to deal with. Being so sick makes me want to do my treatments even worse, but some weight needs to come off first. My first weigh in is Friday!! Not feeling too optimistic as the medication they out me on makes me kinda bloated and MISERABLE...I have been riding the mood swing since last week and I want off!

so, my dad comes into town tomorrow for 12 days. This should be an adventurous 12 days. Paul's going out of town Friday for the night right off the bat, how does he get away with doing that? So thats it for now...I"m bored at work and ready for a nap!

UGH, Mondays....

I hate Monday's as the rest of the world does. Coming off such a great weekend. I actually got to enjoy my weekend. I worked Saturday, but only till 2, then we took Miss Molly for a beauty appt. she smells so much better and looks beautiful. Shes such a great dog. Yesterday Paul and I and Molly went for a 4 mile walk. We were all pooped out after that! The weather is starting to turn for the better in Upstate NY. Yesterday was gorgeous.



So, on another note, me ovulating on my own doesn't mean that I got pregnant, because I didn't. I do so well for a few weeks, then I get so sad all over again. I am pretty sad again and loosing hope, but Paul always talks me out of loosing the hope. I HATE feeling like this and wondering if its ever going to happen. so onto another month and here's to a BFP in Late April!

My first post

Hi everyone! today is my first post and hoping people will follow my story.



We are currently on a undeserved break from any infertility treatments. I'm anxious to start them up again, however not sure if I will ever be ready for it. As some people know, its a very trying and emotional process. We have experienced so much heart ache in the past months and not sure I am put myself through it or Paul for that matter.

To this day, I still tell myself and believe that we can do it on our own, and I don't want to let myself down, but month after month with disappointment makes it harder. Now, This month, well I should say in March, We made a HUGE progress on our own and I ovulated for the first time to the best of my knowledge. At least on my own, without any medication helping me out. Every once and awhile, you "get by with a little help from your friends" and my friends were the infertility drugs. The didn't help me the way I wanted, but I"m working on getting rid of the bitterness, its not something you can just "let go" or move on with your life. It takes time, how much time, who knows, maybe I will never get over it. Its looking that way.

I am currently on a strict diet, well, not too strict, but strict enough. I told myself before the diet started that if and when we decide to do more treatment, that I need to loose about 30-40 lbs. So, unannounced to me, I had to go on a diet, drs orders due to my sugar level. As of Today 04/05/08, 3 weeks into the diet, I have lost about 10 lbs. I want to thank my ovulation to my diet, but who knows. I am doing low carb and for those you know me well, knows that it worked before and lost about 40-50 lbs about 4+ years ago. Hearing it from the dr, really pushed me to do it, I would always come up with an excuse not to do it. "Oh, but I could be pregnant, so this slice of pizza. wont hurt me" RIGHT.... I do feel much better, health wise and I can just start to tell the difference in my clothes, so I will keep plugging away at the diet. I am going to start exercising again, so more weight should be coming off in the upcoming weeks. I keep telling myself, Annmarie, if you loose the weight, you will be rewarded and my reward is a baby. God, I hope I'm right. And also seeing those commercials on T.V. with cute spring outfits, that's pushing me as well.

So, that's it for now, oh WAIT, how could I forget, We added another furbaby to our family. Miss Molly Maroney, shes a very good dog and we just love her. She has her first "spa" appt today. shes getting a bath, nails clipped and more, so she will smell pretty. Thanks for reading and I hope you will follow me through this battle we are at war with!